30 Days Till 1: What Motherhood Has Taught Me
Dear Sweet Pea,
Can you believe it? In exactly 30 days, you’ll be a year old. For almost 366 days (because this was a leap year), you have taken over my house and my heart. I’ve gone from having the ultimate bachelorette pad to looking like the entire toy and baby section from Target has been transported into my living room, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
These days, you’re babbling even more, learning how to say, “Bye-Bye,” blowing kisses, and playing “peek-a-boo.” You’re still obsessed with your hands and everyone else’s, you like putting food in your hair, crawling even faster, and practicing walking – well more like running – as you grab a hold of mine and your dad’s hands to take us on adventures throughout the house. You have two and a half teeth, had your first fever and cold, went to your first birthday party, and are still eating me out of house and home, while refusing to hold your own bottle. You have even taken up spitting and enjoy watching me get increasingly disgusted each time something comes flying out of your mouth.
Teaching you new things and watching you learn and grow is an ultimate joy and one that I do not take for granted. But you’re not the only one learning. I know I briefly touched on what I’ve learned from you in my last letter, but you have taught me so much about myself and life in general. And not just in the 11 months you’ve been on this Earth. From the moment I learned that I was pregnant with you, I swiftly transformed into a different version of myself. I transformed into a mom. Which comes with sacrifices, trusting your instincts, and learning that the moment you become comfortable, it’s time to move on.
Towards the end of my first trimester, I received my dream job offer, from my dream publication. Sweet Pea, you’ll soon learn that your mother is a brilliant and masterful storyteller and that I work really hard for my work to be noticed. So imagine my excitement to learn that an opportunity of a lifetime fell into my lap without me ever having to apply or inquire about it. Why didn’t I take it? It would have required me to go without benefits for an extended period of time. Which meant that I had to work both my current job and the new one so that I could continue receiving health insurance. And your life was way too precious for me to overextend myself by working two full-time jobs just to ensure that we would receive the proper health care. In fact, I took and am still taking an extended hiatus from freelancing. Nothing was or is more important than you. So, while that role and others may have been dream opportunities, you were and still are THE dream opportunity. And if I had to, I would gladly sacrifice my career for you again, and again, and again.
Long before you were thought of, my goal was always to breastfeed. I wanted the connection, the bonding, and more importantly, I wanted to be a food source to nourish my babies. During my pregnancy, I watched the videos, took the classes, and purchased everything I needed to make those breastfeeding dreams come true for both of us. My goal was to do it for a minimum of one year and max two. But, my breastfeeding journey came to an end a little over three weeks after you were born. A mere few hours before I stopped, though, something told me to purchase a container of formula, and I’m happy that I did. Trusting my instincts ensured that you were fed before going to bed, overnight, and well into the morning. I can only imagine how disastrous things would have played out had I not moved as promptly as I did.
I think one of the greatest lessons you’ve taught me is the moment you become comfortable, it is time to move on. Because of you, Sweet Pea, I now look for new ways to challenge myself, more milestones to hit, more opportunities to grow. And that’s not to say that I hadn’t done that before. But if I had to be honest, I have allowed myself to stay in situations a lot longer than I should have out of comfort, or have held myself back because I didn’t always want to be inconvenienced by the discomfort that growth often brings. Since having you, however, I am now searching for more.
The same way you move on from something once you master it, is the same way that I now approach things. The same way that you keep trying at something until you get it, I now do too. The way that you are fearless in your pursuits, I am too. Like you, I want more. And like you, I will get it.
You’ve taught me a few other things too. Like how to not take life too seriously, how to have better boundaries, and how to get out of restricting environments (like the way you shimmied your way out of your swaddle). I’ve learned how to be more content, to be more decisive, that I can do really hard things, and much much more. You’ve also helped me to deepen my relationship with God and see Him in a totally different light. Baby girl, you are the ultimate teacher, and I am grateful that I get to learn from you.
I know this next month is going to be a whirlwind as your dad and I prepare for this first birthday extravaganza. But know that although I will have my head buried in my laptop trying to teach myself how to do balloon arrangements and make coloring books, I am always watching you and taking notes.
With Love,
Mommy