Complexities of Being a Working Stay-at-Home Mom
Hey Mama!
I think it is just about every mother’s dream to be able to stay at home with their babies. Especially during the first year.
Fortunately, I have been working from home for over four years without any signs of returning to an office setting. And thankfully, I work for an employer who provides me with the flexibility I need to stay home and take care of Sweet Pea without having to worry about financially supporting our household. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m super grateful for this opportunity. I’ve managed to avoid her getting sick, I don’t have to worry about rising childcare costs, and have been home with her for all of her firsts. Crawling, sitting up, rolling over, pulling herself up to stand, clapping, solids, I’ve seen them all. But sometimes being a working stay-at-home mom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I can remember shortly after giving birth, I couldn’t wait to get back to work. Postpartum depression was setting in (more on that later) and I needed an outlet. I needed something to make me feel like Racquel, the person, instead of just Racquel, the mom. I needed to do something other than change diapers and make bottles. And work provided me the space to feel like me again.
Admittedly, I underestimated what being a working stay-at-home mom would look like. When asked, I said I would most likely need help on meeting-heavy days. But soon after returning, mom guilt set in. Especially when I glanced at Sweet Pea and she looked back with a blank stare. It crushed me every time and made me feel like a horrible mother. As if I was making her share me with my job.
From 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Thursday (because I only work four days a week), I work what feels like two full-time jobs. Between bottles, naps, meals, diaper changes, teething, meltdowns, playtime, storytime, screen time, trying to keep her from putting inanimate objects in her mouth, and cleaning bottles and the kitchen between meals, I am trying to get work done and feel like I am shuffling from one thing to the next with barely any time to sit still and collect my thoughts. And on those rare occasions when Sweet Pea wants to be clingy and sit in my lap for extended periods of time, I’m typing with one hand and trying to keep her from touching my laptop or making any loud outbursts while I’m in a meeting. I even find myself having to take my computer into the kitchen with me during breakfast, lunch, and snack time so that I can work while feeding her. Oh, and if a meeting is going to be longer than an hour or happens to run into one of her naps, bottles, or meals, I have to take it from my phone and pop in my AirPods so that I can do what I need to do with her without missing a beat on my job.
Most days I am exhausted, and burnt out, and look forward to bedtime so that I can finally take a break. And some days, I feel like I have gotten my ass handed to me. Thankfully, my mother comes over on Tuesday afternoons to help me with Sweet Pea while I work, and on Fridays so that I can clean up or get out of the house and have some me time.
My lover also takes over when he comes home from work. But it’s sometimes as my work day is drawing to a close and it’s time to eat dinner and begin Sweet Pea’s bedtime routine. Only to do it all over again the next day.
Not to mention, the loneliness and isolation that I feel being in the house by myself with a baby. Occasionally, I long for the days when I worked in an office and could randomly spark up a conversation with my colleagues. Or have lunch with someone my age or older. These days, if I’m not in a meeting, the only conversations I’m having are with a 10-month-old and trying to interpret what her babbles and cries mean.
But this is motherhood. This is being a working mom. This is what I signed up for. This is what I prayed for. And I chose this.
I didn’t want strangers changing my child’s diapers. I didn’t want my baby to be away from me for long hours of the day. I didn’t know that I could trust anyone to provide my baby with the same care and attentiveness that I give her day in and day out. And I certainly didn’t know if anyone could protect her, nurture her, and love on her the same way that I could. So for those reasons alone, I wouldn’t change a thing.
No matter how difficult or long the days may be, I am grateful to be home with my baby every single day. Thankfully, I have her on a strict schedule, which makes things a lot more streamlined. And as she gets older, things get easier. And as she gains more of her independence, she can entertain herself for longer periods.
Eventually, Sweet Pea is going to be potty trained, speaking in full sentences, and going off to school. And I won’t be able to be with her all day. But when that time comes, I’ll always have this precious time in our lives to look back on.
With Love,
Racquel